


Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex

by Icicle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Costume Kink, Crack, Dress Up, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Post - Deathly Hallows, Roleplay, Roleplay - Teacher and Student, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humour, Slash, Snogging, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-15
Updated: 2012-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-07 19:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icicle/pseuds/Icicle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Draco are the golden couple of the wizarding world and absolutely head over heels for each other. When Draco realises that everyone is having wild, kinky monkey sex but him, he demands that Harry and him try it as well. Things don't go as planned. Apparently, not every couple is cut out for kinky monkey sex much to Draco's dismay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**_Title:_ ** _Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex_

**_Author:_ ** _[](http://icicle33.livejournal.com/profile)[**icicle33**](http://icicle33.livejournal.com/)_

**_Rating:_ ** _R/NC-17_

**_Word count:_ ** _~7500_

**_Pairings:_ ** _Harry/Draco (established relationship), Ron/Hermione, Lucius/Narcissa_

**_Warnings:_ ** _M/M relationship,  a ridiculous amount of fluff, humour, **crack** , failed kinky sex, role-playing, spanking, an overabundance of cliches, and an overly smitten and somewhat thick Harry_

**_Summary:_ ** _Harry and Draco are the golden couple of the wizarding world and absolutely head over heels for each other. When Draco realises that everyone is having wild, kinky monkey sex but him, he demands that Harry and him try it as well. Things don't go as planned. Apparently, not every couple is cut out for kinky monkey sex much to Draco's dismay._

**_A/N:_ ** _This fic was a belated birthday present for **[](http://ashiiblack.livejournal.com/profile)[ **ashiiblack**](http://ashiiblack.livejournal.com/)** , and I had only shared it wit her for ages. However, she loved it and convinced me to share it with everyone else too. The story spawned from Ashii's idea and our conversation of being tired of the Harry and Draco cliché of them always having kinky sex and being sex gods. This time, they fail at it comically and miserably. A special thank you to [](http://erised-dreams.livejournal.com/profile)[**erised_dreams**](http://erised-dreams.livejournal.com/) for the super quick beta job_ _._

_Enjoy._

* * *

  


**~Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex~  
  
  
  
  
  
~8~8~8~**

  
  


Hermione put her mobile back in her purse and smiled. She was thrilled that Harry was both enjoying and using the latest wizarding imobile she had gifted him for Christmas, especially because Harry actually knew how to send texts and emails—unlike Ron, who always wound up just sending her indecipherable texts of random letters and numbers, and then getting snippy with her for not responding to his messages.

"Good news, dear," Hermione said, leaning over the table and patting her husband's hand. "Draco was able to get out of work early and now he'll be joining us too."

"Bollocks," Ron muttered under his breath, thinking that Hermione couldn't hear him. She rolled her eyes but decided to ignore his comment.  _For now._ It had been so long since she had spent time with Harry that she wasn't going to let a childish argument with Ron ruin their evening; instead, she just turned back to her glass of wine, hoping that Harry and Draco would arrive soon.

"Does he  _have_  to?"

"Yes, Ronald." She sent him one of her most pointed glares and grinned wickedly once she noticed her husband's loud gulp and pinched look. It might have taken years, but she had trained him well. "Draco is Harry's  _partner_ in case you forgot."

"I know that—"

"Then I don't understand your problem. I thought you liked Draco now. You sure like him when he gives you Cannon tickets." She glowered at her husband again and dared him to argue.

"I like Malfoy just fine," Ron admitted, his voice only half surprised. "It's just that those two together make me nauseous. You'd think they'd be over it by now. It's been three bloody years...and they're always so  _sweet..._ especially Harry." Ron scrunched his nose distastefully and said the word sweet in the same hateful way that Draco always used to say Gryffindors or Blood Traitors. As if it were some type of disease.

"It's bloody disgusting, 'Mione."

"Honestly, Ron," she said in a warning tone, "don't be daft. They aren't that bad. And it's quite darling how smitten they are with each other." She took another sip of her wine and continued glaring at her husband the entire time. "You know everything that Harry has been through. You would think that as his  _best friend_  you would be glad that he has finally found some happiness."

Ron's cheeks reddened, two bright patches quickly spreading themselves down his pale freckled cheeks. Normally, Hermione thought it made him look adorable, not that she would ever tell him that, but right now it just annoyed her.

Ron grumbled. "Of course, I want Harry to be happy. I just don't understand why he has to be happy with that blond git. He messes with Harry's head. I'm really still not convinced Malfoy doesn't have Harry under some type of dark curse."

"RON-ALD!" Hermione crossed her arms and gave him a scathing look. He was in trouble now. Deep trouble. "That's a terrible thing to say and you know it. Draco is  _mad_  about Harry. He would never hurt him. Can't you finally be an adult and grow up? It's been years since Draco has been anything but kind to you."

"Fine." Ron pouted and slumped his shoulders. "But if Malfoy sits on Harry's lap again...I can't be held responsible for my actions."

Hermione sighed, exhaling much louder than necessary, and then motioned for the server. "We're going to need another bottle of wine as soon as possible."

As the waiter bowed and turned away from their table, she shouted after him, "On second thought, make it two please!"

  
  


  
** ~8~8~8~ **

  
  


"Harry! Draco! Over here," Hermione called, waving at the two men and greeting them with a warm smile. She noticed that they were holding hands, tightly, and wearing matching green ties and suits—Harry's black and Draco's grey. Her smile widened and she couldn't help but melt at how happy her best friend looked. Those two were adorable. Absolutely adorable. And so handsome too.

"Merlin's hairy balls!" Ron moaned, his brow creasing heavily and lips curling into a sneer. "They're wearing matching ties. Un-bloody-believable!"

Hermione kicked him under the table. "Be nice and behave!" she hissed. "If you don't, you'll be sleeping on the couch for at least a week." She scowled and pinched Ron's leg underneath the table to show her husband just how serious she was.

Ron tutted in response but didn't make any more snide comments.

"Hermione! Ron!" Harry called back with a huge smile plastered on his windswept face. As soon as she stood up from the table, he enveloped her in a bone-crushing hug and she kissed him on the forehead in return. After Harry finally released her, Draco kissed her on both cheeks and leaned in close to her ear, whispering, "You look gorgeous as usual, darling. The most ravishing witch here. Without a doubt."

"Oh, don't  _you_  start already!" Hermione smacked Draco on the arm, pretending to be annoyed, but secretly she was fighting back a blush. Nowadays, Draco was just as devastatingly charming as he used to be malicious and spiteful. If only he would have used his powers of persuasion for good rather than evil back at school, then their Hogwarts years might have been vastly different. And Harry would have been much happier.

Both boys greeted Ron with far less touching, and then much to Ron's relief, sat in separate chairs—although they did push their chairs together. While Hermione offered them both drinks, Draco wrapped a leg firmly around Harry's knee. Harry regarded him with a smitten smile, and then rested his head on Draco's shoulder much to Ron's dismay. Ron let out a low groan at that, so Hermione kicked him under the table again, reminding him of her previous threat.

"It's so nice to see you two," Hermione said, striking up a conversation before Ron started complaining about their closeness. "It's been way too long."

Harry sighed and picked his head off Draco's shoulder. "I know, 'Mione, we're sorry. We've just been busy, you know. I hope you're not angry." He turned towards Draco with a dreamy expression and Draco offered his own bright smile, leaning over to kiss Harry on the forehead.

"Nonsense," Draco said, his pale cheeks flushed brightly and eyes utterly amused, "don't lie to her, Harry. She's not stupid." He rolled his eyes, but squeezed Harry's hand to show that he was only teasing. "We've been hibernating, of course. This one," he jerked his head at Harry, "never wants to go out and just complains he's tired all the time."

"Hey," Harry whinged, "I  _am_  tired. My job's exhausting."

"Sure it is, darling." Draco patted Harry on the head dismissively, as if he were a pampered pet or small child. He turned to Hermione and said, "Excuses, excuses. Really he just wants to stay home on the couch and cuddle.  _Bloody soppy Gryffindors_."

Harry pouted and widened his eyes, blinking his long, dark eyelashes at Draco. "Nuh...uh. You always want to stay in too, Draco. And when we do go out, you're the one who always drags me home in an hour."

Draco chuckled and then bent over to place a soft kiss on the tip of Harry's nose. "That's because you're so damn shaggable, Mr Potter. I just can't help myself."

"Mmm." Harry leaned in towards Draco and rubbed noses with him. "That's true. But you're  _more_  shaggable, Mr Malfoy." He pressed a chaste kiss on Draco's lips, and Hermione couldn't help but aw. Ron, on the other hand, muttered darkly under his breath.

"What was that, Ronald?" Draco asked, raising a perfectly groomed eyebrow at him.

Ron stared down at his glass of wine. "I said nice ties." His voice was dripping in sarcasm.

Draco narrowed his eyes at Ron and tensed his shoulders, but Harry seemed oblivious to the sarcasm and just smiled as he held up his green silk tie proudly.

"Thank you, it's actually Draco's," Harry explained, a wide smile still on his face. "I didn't see him all day and found his tie in my office, so I put it on." He stroked the tie with his fingers as if it were a precious treasure and then turned to face Draco. "I missed him a lot. We didn't get to have our afternoon firecall today since Draco had a meeting, so I put the tie on and pretended that Draco was close to me." He started to blush at the tips of his ears and cheeks, and whatever tension Draco had directed towards Ron instantly thawed. "It even smells like him," Harry whispered, his adoration for Draco evident in his voice.

Draco rewarded Harry with a smile so wide that it was blinding. "Oh, that's so cute," Draco cooed, wrapping his arms around Harry's neck. "I'm sorry you were lonely." He rested his forehead against Harry's and Harry's eyes brightened, gazing at Draco as if he were the only person in the room, perhaps even the universe.

"That's okay, baby," Harry said. "It wasn't your fault."

Hermione melted again, sighing at the two besotted boys in front of her. They were so bloody cute; she couldn't help but grin with them.

"Ugh. No!" Ron banged his fists on the table. "You have to stop or I won't be able to eat my dinner."

"What?" Harry asked, turning to look at Ron with a confused look on his face.

"You two are worse than a pair of Hufflepuff sixth years...Girls at that!"

Harry ran a hand through his hair and looked even more confused, turning to Hermione for an explanation.

"No, honestly, mate," Ron continued, his face slightly green, "you just called him  _baby_...Malfoy is definitely not a  _baby_. I don't even call Hermione baby."

Harry pushed out his bottom lip and widened his eyes; his big green eyes glassy and unblinking. Hermione could have sworn she saw his bottom lip quiver, and she was about  _this close_ to cursing Ron. Husband or not.

"But-" Harry said, looking at Ron as if he had just kicked his puppy.

"Now listen here, Weasley," Draco snapped, his voice full of that haughty sneer that reminded Hermione way too much of their school days. "Harry is _my_  boyfriend... _not_  yours. And I don't see how it's any of  _your_  business what he calls  _me_." His eyes were narrowed and his mouth a tight line.

"Draco," Hermione said in her kindest voice, reaching over the table and wrapping his hand in her own, "don't. Let me deal with him. He is _mine_  after all." Draco nodded at her and then she turned her wrath on her idiot of a husband. "Ron, how dare you! Apologise right now." She crossed her arms and sent him her sternest look, mentally telling him that he should shut his mouth before she shut it for him.

At least Ron had the good sense to look ashamed, now hanging his head. "Sorry," he muttered, still looking down at the table.

Harry continued blinking at him, as he had for the last minute, but didn't respond. "Draco?" he said, turning to his boyfriend with a look of uncertainty still etched on his face. "Do you not?"

"Of course not,  _love_ ," Draco replied, drawing out the word love and sneering at Ron. "You can call me  _whatever_  you want." He pulled Harry into a passionate kiss and continued scowling at Ron as he soothed Harry by rubbing his back.

Ron groaned and then snapped his fingers at their server. "Waiter! Waiter!" he called, desperation obvious in his voice. "Bring me a double of your strongest firewhiskey. Immediately."

  
  


  
** ~8~8~8~ **

  
  


It had been a week since the argument with Ron at the pub, and Harry was still a bit miffed at his best friend. Ron had owled him almost daily, begging him to go out for an apology drink with him, so he could prove to Hermione that Harry was no longer angry and be out of the doghouse with her. Harry knew that Ron had suffered more than enough by Hermione's hand and he really should just go out for a drink with him. Still, he didn't feel ready to face his friend. Having Ron mock his relationship with Draco, and in such a public place no less, had really hurt him. More than he would ever admit.

He knew that Draco and him were overly affectionate with each other. Hell, his colleagues at the Ministry teased him about it on a daily basis, but he hadn't thought that his own best friend was so sickened by their relationship that he almost lost his dinner at the table. It broke his heart a bit, particularly because Draco was the best thing that ever happened to him. And he couldn't help it if he was so smitten with his boyfriend. Draco was just so amazing and cute. Most of the time, Harry still found himself awed that someone like Draco could want him, just Harry, or  _that annoying speccy git_  as Draco had called him for so long. Besides, their anniversary was coming up, and Harry always got extra maudlin during holidays. It was just his nature.

He had arrived home late from work today and was now snuggled in bed, wrapped in one of Draco's old jumpers and a pair of his Falmouth Falcons pyjama bottoms, waiting for Draco to come home from dinner with his parents. The latest issue of Quidditch Weekly was open on his lap, but instead of reading it, he kept sending longing glances at the bedroom door, hoping that his boyfriend would be coming home soon. They had a huge bed and it was quite lonely without his snuggable Draco.

As soon as he started dosing off, thoughts of shagging and snogging a delicious blond running through his mind, he heard the bedroom door slam shut.

"Draco?" Harry asked, sitting up and rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Hi Harry." Draco kicked off his shoes and slumped on the bed. His hair was mussed and drooping in his eyes and his oh-so kissable lips were pouting. He looked positively adorable and edible, and Harry wanted nothing more than to ravish his boyfriend. He reached out and pulled Draco towards him, delivering a welcome home kiss right on those perfect pink lips. However, instead of deepening the kiss and mauling Harry as Draco usually did when he came home, Draco barely responded to the kiss and sighed.

"Draco love?" Harry asked, his chest tightening at the pained expression on his lover's face. "What's wrong?" He pulled Draco closer to him, laying his head on Harry's chest and taking in the sweet aroma of Draco's silky locks.

"Nothing." Draco sulked, leaning into Harry's embrace and burrowing his face in Harry's neck.

Harry felt Draco's soft breath against his neck, and as much as he wanted just to snog his boyfriend deeply and passionately, he could tell that something was wrong.

"Baby?" he said softly, removing Draco's face from his neck and turning his chin up, so he could look Draco right in the eyes. "Just tell me. You know you can tell me anything. Did something happen with your parents? Your father?"

Draco let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. "I can't," he said, his voice soft and almost childlike, "you're going to laugh at me."

"I would never laugh at you." Harry placed a kiss on Draco's forehead and looked at him as lovingly as possible. "I adore you."

"I know that, Harry," Draco said, after a beat. "It's just that I was traumatised and don't really want to talk about it. It's embarrassing."

Harry pressed his lips to Draco's ear and then started sucking on it, just in the way that he knew his boyfriend couldn't resist.

"Mmm," Draco moaned, grinding against Harry and tilting his head back, revealing a patch of that pale, creamy neck that Harry could never get enough of. He continued sucking on Draco's ear and then bit down on his ear lobe, hard, emitting a loud whimper from Draco.

"No fair." He turned over and started rubbing his groin up against Harry's, his eyes no longer sad, but glazing over in lust. "I  _want_  you, Harry."

"I want you too," Harry replied, his own voice a throaty moan. "But first tell me what happened. If not, no sex."

"You bloody Slytherin. How dare you threaten me?"

"Learned from the best didn't I?"

Draco groaned in resignation as he rolled off Harry. "Fine, you win.  _For now_."

Harry cocked an eyebrow and leered at Draco. "You'll win later."

Draco chuckled and rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. He leaned in close to Harry and looked at him with wide, serious eyes. "Harry," he said, his voice stern, "I just had the most  _disturbing_  experience. When I owled Mother to tell her that you weren't coming for dinner since you had to work late, she must have thought that meant I wasn't coming either. I was surprised when dinner wasn't ready on arrival, so I went looking for Mother. I found her and Lucius in his study." He blanched noticeably and creased his pale brow. "Harry," he continued, his voice quivering, "they were shagging. And that's not even the worst part. Mother had Lucius handcuffed to his desk, and she was fucking him on top of the bloody thing. In a French maid costume." He shuddered and shook his head. "I think I might be scarred for life. My parents, Harry! My pureblooded and proper parents!"

"Merlin's beard!" Harry wasn't sure whether he should laugh or be horrified. Perhaps a situation like this required a bit of both. Blimey, what he would give to see Lucius handcuffed to a desk. "What did you do?"

"What do you think? I ran out of there faster than a house-elf presented with clothes."

This time Harry snorted and ran his fingers through Draco's hair. "Poor baby," he quipped, his voice honeyed but gaze playful. "Why don't you come over here and I'll try to shag the image out of your brain?"

Draco scrunched his nose in that adorable way of his and raised an eyebrow. "Are you making fun of me, Potter?"

"Never!" Harry tried to put on his most earnest face and raised a hand to his chest, right over his heart. "Honest."

"You better not be. Or you'll be sorry."

"Ohhh...I'm so scared, Malfoy! Terrified. What are you going to do...suffocate me with all that pretty hair?"

"Now you'll get it, Potter!" Draco jumped on top of Harry and pinned his arms behind his head. " _This_  is for mocking my pain." He pulled Harry into a scorching kiss and Harry couldn't hold back his moan.

"Mmmm. Show me," he mumbled, "Show me.  _Now_. And tell me more about the handcuffs."

  
  


  
** ~8~8~8~ **

  
  


It was two days before their anniversary, or their 'actual' anniversary as Harry liked to call it, soppy Gryffindor that he is, and Draco could not have been more nervous. Draco wanted to surprise his boyfriend with something different this anniversary, but he wasn't sure how Harry would react. Harry was a closet, or maybe not so closet, romantic. For every milestone, and many times for no reason at all other than to show his love, he surprised Draco with over the top romantic gestures and sentiments. Draco treasured the loving attention more than anything (not that he would ever admit it), but he was still scarred from walking in on his parents' kinky bedroom activities and couldn't get that encounter out of his head. It seemed that everyone but him, including his parents, who were OLD for Salazar's sake, was having wild, kinky monkey sex. Ugh.

It's not that Draco was complaining because he adored Harry more than life itself, and they had quite a healthy and active sex life. But Harry being Harry, a sodding Gryffindor prone to flights of fancy and waxing lyrical about how much he adored Draco, always wanted to make love—slowly and passionately—rather than experiment. Harry always said that fucking and shagging like bunnies was what people did when they wanted to engage in meaningless sex rather than the act of making love. That he adored Draco too much and would rather worship his body than defile it.

Fuck, Harry was such a romantic that he didn't even like to take Draco from behind, claiming it made Harry feel far too removed from him, from the precious act of joining their bodies and souls together—so he would much rather get lost in Draco's gorgeous grey eyes than pound into him from behind like some wild animal. As much as Draco disagreed with Harry's reasoning, as he saw nothing wrong with fucking hard and rough once in awhile—how could he object to Harry's wishes when Harry fed him heartfelt and honest responses like that? Beautiful sentiments, which Draco knew were completely true and just so perfectly Harry. Naturally, he had to let it go. And he had for three years now. But enough was enough.

He was a Slytherin god damnit and Slytherins were supposed to have kinky sex. It was part of their house motto and a trait the Sorting Hat looked for in each potential member, wasn't it? Yes, he had been okay without kinky sex before, hadn't even craved it really, but now that he knew that everyone and their mothers were having it, of course, Draco needed it too. There was no other choice. He refused to be left behind. He was a Malfoy for Salazar's sake. Malfoys are never left behind; they always make the trends.

Besides, he was hoping, praying really, that Harry secretly wanted it too. Last week when his parents had traumatised him, Harry had been more than a little interested in the handcuff spell his mother had used on Lucius. Draco decided that was consent enough and had met with Hermione to ask her advice on what type of wild, kinky monkey sex they should start having. Yes, believe it or not, Granger and the Weasel have loads and loads of wild monkey sex. That girl researches everything and knows everything, including all about kinky gay sex. She never did mention how she learnt about that particular topic, but oh well. It didn't really matter where she learnt it as long as she passed down the wisdom to Draco.

On Granger's advice, Draco had gone out and purchased a sexy Hogwarts staff robe, shortened and fitted, of course, as well as a red Gryffindor thong and a pair of horned-rimmed spectacles. Hermione had told him that due to Harry's shy nature, in the bedroom at least, they should start small with their kinky sex as not to scare Harry off—perhaps with something as simple as role-playing. Granger had explained how her and Weasley role-play a lot, but their favourite, or at least go to role-play, was always the sexy librarian. Draco had smirked at that and smiled deviously at Hermione not because he found the idea all that enticing, but because he knew that he would make a sexier librarian than Hermione. He was a hot blond after all.

After hugging Hermione tightly, he ran out to purchase all the necessary parts of his outfit and to plan his fantasy. This idea seemed simple and vanilla enough that it wouldn't scare Harry off. Poor Harry wouldn't know what hit him once he saw Draco in his sexy librarian outfit, and hopefully this was a better idea than sharing his Death Eater/Auror fantasy that he had acted out in his head several times before. For some reason, he didn't think Harry would take too kindly to that fantasy just yet. Maybe next time.

Yes, this would be much better and Draco couldn't wait for his boyfriend to get home, so they could get started. Soon Hermione was going to be coming to him for advice on kinky monkey sex—not the other way around. He was sure of it.

* * *


	2. Part 2

**_Title:_ ** _Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex  Part 2/2_

**_Author:_ ** _[](http://icicle33.livejournal.com/profile)[**icicle33**](http://icicle33.livejournal.com/)_

**_Rating:_ ** _R/NC-17_

**_Word count:_ ** _~7500_

**_Pairings:_ ** _Harry/Draco (established relationship), Ron/Hermione, Lucius/Narcissa_

**_Warnings:_ ** _M/M relationship,  a ridiculous amount of fluff, humour, **crack** , failed kinky sex, role-playing, spanking, an overabundance of cliches, and an overly smitten and somewhat thick Harry_

**_Summary:_ ** _Harry and Draco are the golden couple of the wizarding world and absolutely head over heels for each other. When Draco realises that everyone is having wild, kinky monkey sex but him, he demands that Harry and him try it as well. Things don't go as planned. Apparently, not every couple is cut out for kinky monkey sex much to Draco's dismay._

**_A/N:_ ** _Make sure to read the warnings and read part 1 first._

* * *

~8~8~8~

****

  
  


When Harry came home, Draco was already dressed up in his librarian costume and ready for Harry to debauch him. Draco's face lit up in a bright smile when he saw Harry enter their bedroom and stare at him. Just as he predicted, Harry was ogling him and his jaw dropped in a wide 'O'.

"See something you like, Mr Potter?" Draco drawled, wriggling his eyebrows at Harry and propping himself up against the headboard as if he were a magnificent present just waiting to be unwrapped.

"I-I-" Harry blinked stupidly at Draco and nodded his head. "Draco, you look-"

"Edible? Fantastic? Fucking amazing?" Draco supplied helpfully, his smug smile spreading even wider.

"Yes, to all of those."

Finally, Harry seemed to snap out of his daze and walked over to the bed, leaning over Draco and attempting to place a kiss on his lips. Draco deflected the kiss and gave Harry his cheek instead. "Not just yet, Mr Potter," Draco said, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking down at Harry, so his spectacles inched down his nose.

Harry frowned. "Draco?" he asked, his face clearly confused. "What's going on? Why are you dressed like that? And...why  _can't_  I kiss you?"

Draco held a hand up to shush Harry. "Know your place, Mr Potter," he said, in his sternest, most authoritative voice. "You must show me respect and call me Mr Malfoy. Now, I see you have some library books overdue. What are we going to do about that? You  _will_ have to pay a fine." Draco leered at his boyfriend and hoped to get their fantasy going. Unfortunately for him, his boyfriend was not always that sharp.

"Draco?" Harry asked again, his voice growing more concerned. "Did I do something wrong? And what library books are you talking about?"

"Harry," Draco whinged, "I  _can't._  I have to stay in character. Try to follow along." He lowered his spectacles and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his robe. "Now, I'll ask you again, Mr Potter, where are your overdue library books?"

Harry ran a hand through his hair. "I really don't know what you're talking about, love. Should I go look for the books?"

Draco grunted. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, Potter, you're  _impossible_." He scowled at Harry, but Harry just shrugged and pouted at him, looking much too adorable, and as usual, Draco gave into his daft but delectable boyfriend. "Fine," Draco said, finally breaking character. "Harry, we're  _role-playing_. I'm pretending to be the sexy Hogwarts librarian and you're my naughty student who lost a shit ton of library books." He paused for a second. "So I get to punish you."

Harry's eyes widened. "Punish? But I didn't do anything wrong. I don't understand, Draco."

Draco sighed. He was doing that a lot today. "Not a real punishment, silly. You know punish in a  _sexy_  way."

Harry blinked at him and Draco decided he needed a more direct approach. Clearly, Harry was extra thick today. "Potter," he said slowly, "for our anniversary, I want to have kinky monkey sex. So...I decided we should start with a naughty librarian role-play fantasy. Am I making myself clear?" Harry nodded.

"Good, Potter, because you already made me break character once. And that wasn't very nice. I've been practising all afternoon, trying to get in character for this. For  _you_."

"Oh," Harry said, after a beat. "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't realise. I just don't know what to make of all of this." He motioned to Draco's outfit and the shelves of books Draco had added to their room in order to make it resemble a library.

Draco pouted. "I just wanted it to be realistic. Don't you like it? It's supposed to be part of your anniversary present." Draco lifted up his short robe and showed Harry his Gryffindor thong. "Look, I'm even wearing this ghastly thing for you."

Harry's eyes widened again, but this time with lust rather than confusion. "That's for me?" Harry asked, his lips parting as he gawked at Draco's arse.

"Yes, of course, prat. Who  _else_  would it be for?"

"I'm sorry, love," Harry replied. "I had no idea you went through so much trouble. I'm kind of uncomfortable with all of this." He paused and shrugged his shoulders. "But I would do anything for you, Draco. You know that. Let's try it." He offered Draco a weak smile.

"Perfect. Now take a moment to get into character, Harry. I can give you some pointers if you want...since I'm basically a professional and all."

Harry chuckled and shook his head at Draco. "God, I love you," he said. "And baby? Do you really agree that today's our anniversary?" Harry beamed at him and Draco couldn't help but return his smile.

"Of course, darling," Draco said. "I completely agree that today is the anniversary of our first kiss. And two days from now is our  _real_  anniversary." He smirked. "In order to be a real anniversary it has to be the first day we shagged. If there isn't any cock involved, then it's  _not_  a real anniversary. That's my motto."

Harry snorted. "Whatever you say, Draco love," he cooed. "Can I kiss you now? You look so fucking cute in that outfit I can't help myself."

Draco crossed his arms and glowered at Harry. Clearly, he still wasn't getting the point of this exercise. "No! You have to play along, Potter. If not, no kisses."

"Fine. You start, Mr Malfoy," Harry said. "And I'll follow your lead since you're so talented and all."

Draco preened and smiled at his boyfriend. "Naturally," he drawled, "I'm a natural born leader. Now...let's try this again. Mr Potter, where are your overdue library books? You are way over your limit."

Harry scratched his head and then Summoned several books from the shelves. He lined the books up neatly and handed the stack of books to Draco. "Here you go, Mr Malfoy," Harry said sweetly, "here are my overdue books. Now you don't have to punish me."

Harry beamed at Draco, looking much too proud with himself , which made Draco groan and bang his head against the headboard. "No. No. No. You're supposed to have lost the library books. That way, I have to fine and punish you, Potter. Get with it."

"Sorry." Harry waved his hand and the books went back on the shelves. "Let's try again. Please." Harry gave Draco a pleading look and of course, Draco forgave him.

"Sure, Harry. Now...Mr Potter...where are your overdue library books?"

Harry shrugged and looked down at the floor. "I don't know. I'm afraid I lost them."

"Lost them?" Draco asked, his voice dripping in venom. "How dare you be so careless with school property? I'm going to make you pay. How much can you pay me?"

"Erm..." Harry reached for his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. "I'm not sure how much I have. I'm assuming the fine will be expensive."

Draco groaned. Again. Potter was really not getting this. At all. Out of the goodness of his heart, however, he decided to try to be patient with his boyfriend. After all, it wasn't Harry's fault that he was an idiot Gryffindor. All that time he spent with the Weasleys growing up probably fried his brain. He cleared his throat and schooled his face into his best impression of Madam Pince. "I'm sorry, Mr Potter, but at the moment, the library is not accepting monetary fines. You'll have to offer some other type of currency." Draco leered at Harry and unbuttoned his robe further, hoping that Harry would take the hint and offer Draco a currency of blowjobs or some other wanton act like fucking him on top of that desk as payment.

As usual, Draco had been expecting too much.

"How about kisses?" Harry asked, his voice bright and high-pitched. "I'm dying to kiss you, baby. It's been 13 hours since our last kiss." He had such a sad and longing look on his face that Draco just couldn't say no.

_ You are such a pushover, a fucking pansy, _  he scolded himself. "That sounds perfect," Draco said with a sigh. "Remember you owe me lots, Potter."

"Of course, baby." Harry offered him that besotted smile that always made Draco melt and kissed him firmly on the lips. "As many kisses as you want. I could kiss you forever."

Draco closed his eyes and leaned into Harry's kiss. Oh well, it looked like role-playing was going to have to wait until next time. Obviously, this hadn't been the right fantasy. Draco should have known better. Harry never spent any time in a library anyway. The poor sod was terrified of books. Potter had never opened a book in his life that wasn't Quidditch related or that Hermione hadn't forced him to read. Next time, Draco would just let Harry pick the fantasy.

  
  
  
  
** ~8~8~8~ **

  
  


**_ Two days later... _ **

  


For their second anniversary, or for what Draco claimed was their actual anniversary, Harry had agreed to pick out a role-playing fantasy for them to act out. For some inexplicable reason, Draco was obsessed with the idea of them having kinky monkey sex. Personally, Harry didn't think it was necessary as he worshipped his boyfriend and wanted nothing more than to make love to him for hours on end, lavishing love on him and then snuggling up with him until morning. Still, if this was something Draco wanted, especially since Harry thought their last attempt at role-playing had gone spectacularly, then Harry would do this for Draco.

At the moment, Draco was finishing transforming their bedroom into a replica of Snape's classroom, and Harry could not have been more terrified. When Draco had asked him what type of secret fantasies he harboured, Harry had been shy about sharing. He was afraid that he would alienate his boyfriend with his dark fantasies, but once Harry had shared that he fantasised about a professor/student detention held in Snape's dungeon classroom, Draco's eyes lit up, and he kicked Harry out of their room, telling him to relax and to put on one of Draco's old Slytherin robes. He explained that he would take care of the rest and call Harry once their bedroom was transformed into Harry's fantasy. Now, all Harry could do was wait. And be nervous.

After what felt like hours, Draco finally called Harry into their room. Or as Draco now called it—Mr Malfoy's Potions classroom for delinquent boys. Taking a deep breath, Harry stepped into their room and gasped. Draco had not been kidding when he said he was going to make their room unrecognisable. If he didn't know better, he could have sworn that he was at Hogwarts.

"Wow," Harry said, taking in the surroundings and smiling at Draco. "You've out done yourself."

"I know," Draco answered, smugness plastered on his face. "Now, Mr Potter, we're starting right away. And by the time we're finished with your detention that smile won't be anywhere near your face."

Harry gulped. Draco had perfected his voice into an almost eerily flawless impression of Snape. His impression was so spot on that it caused the hairs on Harry's arms and the back of his neck to stand on end. "Yes, sir."

"I prefer Professor Malfoy, Potter. Now get your arse over here." Draco was standing behind a replica of Snape's desk, and Harry slowly made his way over to the imposing desk.

"Yes, Professor Malfoy," he said, and when Draco sneered at him, his lip curling, Harry couldn't help but gulp again. His cock was throbbing underneath his too tight Slytherin robes, as they were Draco's, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

"What are you going to make me do?" His voice was uncertain.

Draco smirked at him. "Ah, a good question, Potter. I'm going to make you write hundreds of lines all complimenting yours truly, of course, with incontrovertible truths like Draco Malfoy is the Commander of the Universe. And Draco Malfoy is the fittest, most beautiful blond in the world...no, make that the galaxy." He was talking with his hands and smiling at Harry wickedly. "Or perhaps," he added, his smile turning salacious, "I should just bend you over this cauldron here and have my way with you."

Harry chewed on his bottom lip. "Oh." That wasn't the punishment he had been hoping for at all.

"What's wrong, Potter?" Draco arched both eyebrows at him. "Is my punishment not up to your high celebrity standards? What did you have in mind oh-Chosen One?"

Harry looked down at the floor and fiddled with the sleeves of his too short robes, failing at pulling them over his wrists.

"Harry?" Draco broke character from a moment and offered him a feeble smile. "This is your fantasy, love," he said. "Tell me what you want. We can do whatever you want."

Harry didn't look convinced. "Are you sure?"

"Certainly," Draco drawled, "I can take whatever you dish out, Potter. I am the star of this fantasy after all."

"Fair enough." Harry swallowed. "Professor Malfoy, sir. I think you should hold me over your knee and spank me as my punishment," Harry explained. "You know like a naughty child. And I want you to-spell-your-hair-black-and-shoulder-length." Harry winced.

"You what?" Draco pursed his lips.

" _Don't_ make me say it again."

Draco rolled his eyes. "You really are a kinky bastard, huh, Potter?" Harry pouted and looked at Draco uncertainly. "Don't give me that look," Draco snapped. When Harry didn't stop pouting, Draco sighed and gave in. "Fine, Potter, pull down your trousers. I'm going to spank you like a naughty child." Draco waved his wand in a complicated motion around his head and his white-blond locks were instantly black and shoulder length. Harry gawked at his boyfriend and his mouth watered.

"Merlin's beard!" His eyes were wide and unblinking.

"Like that...do you, Potter?" Draco patted his lap and Harry did not have to be asked twice. Within a second, Harry was sprawled out in Draco's lap, reaching up for his dark hair and gazing at him longingly. "No touching." Draco smacked away Harry's hand and scowled. "You're going to have to be punished extra for that one, Potter."

Harry nodded his head and Draco pulled down his black pants, exposing Harry's firm and rounded arse. Without warning, Draco brought down his hand in a loud smack against Harry's arse. Harry squealed but at the same time, felt his cock harden even further.

"I'm sorry, love," Draco whispered. "Was that too hard?" He started rubbing Harry's arsecheek where he had just smacked it and raised Harry's chin to look at him.

"No, Professor," Harry answered through gritted teeth. "Do it again," he urged. " _Harder_."

Draco frowned but nodded anyway. "If you insist." He lowered his hand over Harry's arse again, crashing against it more forceful than before, and Harry couldn't help but moan.

"Oh, gods!"

"You like that, Potter?" Draco taunted. "It's  _not_  supposed to feel good, Potter. It's  _supposed_  to be a punishment. Is this a punishment for you, Potter?"

Merlin's bloody pants. Harry looked up at Draco, black hair framing his face and lips pressed in a tight line. Without his glasses, he felt as if he were looking at someone else. "Yes, sir," Harry said. "It's a punishment. But harder, please.  _Harder_ , Professor."

Draco chuckled darkly and then smacked Harry's arse again, this time hitting it with a deafening crack. "Agh!" Harry cried. "Salazar's balls. Do that again," Harry pleaded, his cock aching to be touched. "Harder, Professor Snape!"

Uh-oh.

"What?" Draco hissed. He pushed Harry off his lap and turned his best Malfoy death glare on him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Harry was in deep trouble now. Draco never brought out the Malfoy death glare anymore unless Harry was in deep shit.

"Did. You. Just. Call. Me.  _Snape_?" Draco growled, his voice low but oh-so dangerous.

"Eh...no?" Harry scrambled to put on his pants, fearful for his bits now that Draco was angry.

Angry was not the right word. Livid was more like it. Beyond livid. "And now you  _dare_ lie to me, Potter?" Draco was snarling now, his knuckles clenched white around his wand. Harry had to do something and now.

"Sorry," Harry squeaked, giving Draco his most pathetic look, hoping that it would keep Draco from murdering him at the very least.

Draco scoffed. "Sorry? Is that the best you got, Potter? It's going to take a lot more than sorry to get you out of this one. This isn't like that time you forgot Mother's birthday. It's much, much worse."

"Really sorry," Harry offered, his face scrunched in a weak smile.

"Potter," Draco said slowly, thrusting his wand in Harry's face. "If you tell me the truth, I'll  _think_  about letting you live." Harry nodded, trying to keep the fear off his face. "Was that what this whole fantasy was about?" Draco motioned to the cauldrons, potions ingredients, and desk he was leaning on. "Did you really just fantasise about Severus giving you detention and spanking you over his knee like the insolent brat that you actually are?"

Harry gulped and locked eyes with his boyfriend. Draco's pale face was flushed red and his eyes narrowed into dark slits. He was completely fucked and only had one option left. If Draco wanted the truth, Harry could give him the truth. Gryffindors don't lie, right?

He winced, already dreading his boyfriend's reaction. " _Maybe._ " His voice was barely louder than a whisper. Harry closed his eyes, waiting for the parade of hexes that were about to hit him and hoped they would not cause him a painful and prolonged death. After waiting for several seconds and nothing happening, he opened his eyes.

"I see," Draco said, his voice calm and low. "Well, Potter. That's good to know, especially since Severus is  _my godfather_  after all. I'm sure you didn't know that you sick, twisted bastard." He sniffed, pausing for a second to catch his breath. "Or maybe you did. You little, fucking pervert. Don't tell me you were planning on having a threesome with him? Is that why you're dating me? Har-ry...I  _can't_  believe you. That's so  _not_  fair!" Draco huffed, flailing his arms and feet like a bratty child. "You  _always_  do this to me, Harry. This game was supposed to be about us.  _Not Severus_."

Holy mother of god, Harry had not known that at all. Snape was Draco's godfather. He was going to be sick. This was not good. Not good at all. "No!" he shrieked. "I had no idea. I swear! Please believe me, Draco! I'm sorry. It was an accident."

Draco scrunched his nose and looked at Harry hatefully, as he hadn't done for years, and it broke Harry's heart. "Liar," he accused. "You're lying, Potter. And now...I'm leaving. Happy fucking anniversary to you." Draco shrugged off his black robe and ended the spell on his hair. Before Harry could respond, he stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

"No, Draco baby, come back!" Harry shouted. "I love you. Not Snape. He's a greasy old git.  Come back. Only you, baby.  _Only you_."

Harry dressed himself quickly and scurried out the door behind Draco. Of course, Draco was nowhere in sight. He knocked the stack of Draco's magazines off the coffee table, for once not caring about his boyfriend's reaction. "Bloody hell. I'm going to kill Hermione. Some bright idea this was."

Shaking his head, he Summoned his mobile and pressed nine. Thank Merlin for speed dial. After forgetting Narcissa's birthday that one time, Harry was always prepared for damage control. He did not want to spend his anniversary on the couch.

"Hello Harrods? Please put me through to your By Appointment and Beyond Team." Harry said, relieved that someone answered his call after only two rings. After a short wait, the concierge connected him to the proper department. "Yes, this is Mr Harry Potter. I'm going to need a ridiculously large order of jewellery right away. Preferably diamonds. Something tasteful and unique. And get it here as soon as possible. I'll pay extra." A short pause and a pointed sigh. "Yes, you already have my credit card and address on file. I'm also a Black Tier member of your rewards programme. Uh-huh...just send the best of each. And hurry."

  
  
** THE END  (For Now) **

* * *

** A/N: **  Thank you so much for reading. I just wanted to point out that this is supposed to be a humorous crack fic, which is why I portrayed both Harry and Draco so over the top and nauseatingly sweet. I hope it was funny rather than annoying, and I don't normally write the boys this way. Also, I love this universe and would like to write more in it in the future. = D   
  
  
**~Icicle**


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